Thursday, June 28, 2007

what have I done?

Right now, Im currently listening to linkin parks......"what have I done" nice song, but a depature from the normal way they sing. Right now its crazy, I did something that I should have done a long time ago, and yeah, maybe I did the right thing, and maybe I didnt. Its about julie, my internet chick. Yeah,remember I told you how we met online, 2 lonely Nigerians with issues who just needed to connect, and were just friends, and told each other abt stuff we never told anyone we did........yeah you guessed right "freaky stuff". Some details of what was revealed chooked me...and you know me...mr scientist, and mr curiousity. I began to dig deeper and get her to talk, and yeah it made her look deep within her self and heal.
Shed blamed herself for years, and held herself responsible for what she told me about.She blamed herself for starting the whole incident, but after looking inwards, she discovered that she wasnt actually to blame, and that shed been carrying this guilt around for nothing.
I had a conversation with my counsellor about it, and she told me that, yeah in the process of "revelation" its not good to get too graphic, as some details could like yeah break my heart and all. I now began pondering........yeah thats my middle name, and began wondering if I did the right thing by probing and asking questions, I began wondering what would have happened if she hadnt said it the way she said it, and all. Because the way she described what went down, led to me asking those questions, which lead her to look inwards again, and which helped her to heal.
Cus she opened up to me , after I confided in her about some stuff I was involved in back then.
When we spoke yesterday, well julie told me I had to also let go of my past issues, my hurts and beef with my family, my problems with all the chicks I had been with and all. She was like if I dont forgive myself and let go, then I wont be able to forgive her and let go of her past.
This morning I called 4 women who sort of played an "important" role in my life, and I called them to set things straight. To the ones who hurt me, I called to let them know, that I had moved on and there were no hard feelings . To the one I hurt, I called to offer an explanation as to why and how I did things the way I did them. These were the most important ones. To the flings and one-night stands I had, well if I ever run into them again, yeah I'd set the record straight, same thing. Only thing is that I could only reach these 4, at this point in time.
After that, I sat by my pc for almost 2 hours, and typed an email to my mum. I poured out how I felt, all my fears, hurts, rage, from secondary school till now. I let her understand that I wasnt beefing and all, and that I appreciated everything herself and my dad had done for me, and that they were just trying to be good parents . Sending the email, made me heave a sigh of relief, as if yeah I was moving foward with my life and dropping all the excess baggage.
Dunno what mumsie will say when she reads my email, but well, I can defend it, and yeah Im hoping for the best. This was thanks to julie, making me take this step.
The only thing is that what she confided in me still chooks me at times, and yeah Im in love with this girl, shes got me in lockdown and I dont think I can escape.
Is there any hope for me? What have I done? Did I do the right thing , by probing her, making her open up to me , and letting her heal? Or should I have behaved like a typical african man, not wanting to know anything about his chicks past.even gory details, and bury his head in the sand?
Like 50 cents said......I got 21 questions, and theyre all about us........

On a lighter note, you remember my friend akom, the erithrean dude? I call him akom because thats how he pronounces akons name. Well we went today for a graduation party of some guys who had just finished their Msc in my department. The Computer engineering masters program from Delft university of technology isnt beans, so I went to celebrate with them.
They declared free shayo for boiz. Na so akom begin shack. After he took the first one, he began to see visions..yeah the cele kind of vision. Akom began to toast a greek dude with long hair, calling him a beautiful woman and admiring his lips.
Soon men akom overtook me in the shayo race. The guy begin ask me if the woman whose picture was displayed on the menu was for sale. Before you know anything, akom had consumed like 5 beers men, no be joke. Sheila, my friend from the installation story, came into the pub. The pub is in the basement of our faculty, so after coding and programming and doin freaky stuff all day, you just come and shayo.
Sheila came in, and next thing, akom began to move verrrrrryyyy close to her. Drawing his stool closer and all. I began to just laff. I asked akom what 1+1 was, and he told me that yeah it was a marriage.
When we threatened to tell his fellow erithrean friend that he had shayoed, he began to beg, because his friend would report him to his parents. I have never laffed so much in ages.
Sheila told me to leave akom to shack as much as he could, so he wouldnt walk and find his way back to his crib. He left before me though, I hope he was sober, cus he kept telling me how he needed to "enjoy" himself and all.
Anyways guys, I have to go back to my existence, and my normal life.

Through the steps I took today, I believe I have been reborn, and that I have let go of my past to face my future. This is a rebirth for me. I need to move to the next level in my life, and I cannot do it carrying excess luggage from my past. I'm getting older everyday, and I need to step up to the challenge, and let go....
This is my first step, and my baby step...........
I WILL get there.............

Thanks baby......I love you, and I hope I get through this....

2 comments:

the genius within said...

dude...u got some deep shit...haha...like i always say 'we learn from d past...n move on,,but we dont av to forget it....lol...is julie sugarlomps??? gotta find me her blog...hahah....mr 50cl pepsi orobo lovin chics

sugarlomps said...

well lets jus say is nice that u r getting over ur past makin progress and all that its really good to know that you are making all ds effort.
you know wat they say about forgiving and forgetting its a hard thing to do considering that we all are humans but who are we mortals not 2 be able 2 4give, its hard not easy but feel its worth the shot.
i dont know which is easier 4giving or 4getting.
well tell ur akom frm not 2 go n get drunk wen his chick comes o.