Friday, August 3, 2007

Legend of the 3 rats

I have been thinking of putting up a post on this for some time, and well, since its like I have nothing to blog about, I will post this. Yeah Ive bin goin thru a weird patch in my know when you are growing, and changing, and old beliefs and mindsets are getting stripped away, and ure like.......woah..but well thats between me, God, and my peeps, and not for blogville.
Now back to my initial post, this was actually inspired by the movie "ratatouille", about a rat who can cook, but what people fail to realize, was that before ratatouille, in an old (not so) deserted town in Oyo state, there were 3 rats called femi, george, and louisa. I was an average omo boi, serving my nation (bein punished was more like it), and I just discovered that at night, I would hear weird noises, and all that. Of course I knew it couldnt be evil spirits (han han dem no dey fear face), but when I left a loaf of bread somewhere, and the next morning I saw bite marks on it, I knew I had rat issues. I think I had programmed that loaf of 20 naira bread for breakfast, and those vermin got to it before I did.
I remember talking to my Ibo friend val about them, and he gave me the inspiration for naming them.

Now, let the story begin.

Terrible Naija Films presents...
An oliver stoned movie......
directed by wavemasta

Legend of the 3 rats

Starring Kanayo O kaniyan as Femi

Rita Dominos pizza as Louisa

Ramsey "Tokunboh vehicle" Lower as George (at least Nollywood no go fit sue me)

Now once upon a time, in an abule far, far, away, there lived 3 rats, femi, george, and louisa. One day out of hunger, and frustration, they stumbled into corper wales room, or kitchen and were amazed. They eat and eat, oh, and went away the first time.
I now decided that I would use my hard earned corpers allowie to buy indocide. I remember the pain I felt, when I sacrificed some precious garri (chei, the pain), to mix with indocide, to kill the lil bastards. I can imagine them finding it the following night, and having this conversation.

Femi (ringleader, and bad-ass rat) : Mennnn see garri ohhhhhhh, guys the mugun has dropped food, mey we lem tight!

george (the geek rat) : wait lemme run an indo-scan on this garri. George brings out a portable device and scans the garri....

george: shit men! theres poison inside....

Louisa (scared female rat) : Im pregnant, lets go away, this is bad for the baby

(Imagine oh, dem wan born pikin for my flat).

Femi: Men all of you are cowards, screw you all, Im staying.

(Louisa and george depart, never to come again.)

So as you viewers can infer, my battle was now with femi. Men that was one bad ass rat. I spent my time in the teachers staff room , trying to come up with strategies to defeat femi. One night I bought dodo. I had priced the thing men, price am well well, and I brought it to my house, and left it in ma kitchen.
Next morning when I saw it, I saw femis signature on my plantain. Chei, I vexxxxed no be small, I threw the bad part away, and chopped the good part. Abeg no yab me, you know na NYSC and all that. Another time, I put the bread on my chair, thinking femo no go reach there. Lai Lai. The next morning , I kan see say femo don strike. It might have been louisa, cus well she was pregnant (lol), and we all know how pregnant females can get.
I then consulted with another Ibo friend of mine, uche. She advised me to put my stuff in a nylon, and then hang it on a nail on the wall. I felt good, that, yeah , this night, femo go hear wein.
Na so I hang bread inside black nylon for the wall. Next morning, my bread was fine. Praise God, I hear you say? Nahh just wait. One day I hung plaintain, using the same method. Na so I begin hear noises at night. I heard noises coming from my nylon, which was suspended by a nail on the wall! I hit the nylon, and there was silence. The next morning, I saw that femo and company , had chewed through the nylon, and chewed my prime dodo. This was probably what happened.

scene 2 (Rat terrorist headquarters)

Femo: Men corper wale has developed a new technique for hiding his grub. Louisa needs food for her babies. (na excuse oh, femo no send louisa, na only himself in dey look)

george : I have developed a new set of boots for climbing walls together with night vision goggles.

femo : ok george, I go execute the operation, ehn, make una just wait here...

femo: (thinking) mugun rats, na only me go chop everything menn wait here oh, una hear?

So thats prolly how my plantain got attacked.
I remember most of my friends would laff their heads off when I told them about my terrorist attacks. One of my friends heard a noise and asked, and I replied in an offhand manner, that that was just femi. When I explained who femi was she laughed and laughed and asked me if I had laid out his food for him.

But men e get time when femi begin overstep in boundary.
I love to cook meat and all, and when I cooked my obe ata (soup), Id put it in the kitchen. My "kitchen" was an unused bathroom, with an unused toilet, both of which were covered, so my kerosene stove was resting in the place where the bathtub was meant to be. I would hear femi moving pots and pans inside, and would feel to lazy to get up, cus I made sure I didnt leave anything for femi. Imagine, he eat my yam, my bread, my plantain, han han....
One day when I discovered femi had graduated to stealing my meat, was when I just saw the guy doing mission imposible pirated version......he entered one of my empty(Thank God) pots, with the cover on oh........this rat could open the pot covers.
So with shock and horror, I saw femi open the pot cover, enter the pot, and come out in one smoooth motion, and thats prolly when he saw that the pot was empty. Then Id open my pot and see some rat dung inside.........chei men I suffer for NYSC oh.

The last and most dangerous thing wey femi do me na to make me ill. I went to Ibadan shortly after my passing out parade, and I had already cooked some stew and left it in the house. And I spend 2-3 days in IB and came back to my house to find out that femi had attacked my stew. I saw rat droppings inside and all . Now instead of me to just leave the thing, or throw it away, what did your hungry corper do? Yeah u guessed right, I removed the "bad" part, and heated the good part on my stove, and used it to wack rice.
Lets just say that buscopan and I became very very good friends for like 1-2 weeks. And I had this church program I had to attend, men running stomach no good oh.
Later on mumsie told me that rat droppings are poisonous and I might have died.....but well God saved me and I am here.
Well what happened to femi and the rest........omo men I no know, they prolly are torturing some poor soul right now.......



Ifeoma said...

Soooo funny. I think femi saw d end of u... what a courageous rat!

the genius within said...

im still reading the post but funny so far....why femi by d way u mad man?..take good care

sugarlomps said...

oh louisa must hear about this cant wait to tell her
well bros hw can y eat stew that femi had done is thing in haba
nice 1 had a great laff