Monday, December 8, 2008

I will. Yes I will!

Hey how far...hows it going? Well like I always say, I don't have anything to report...nothing like some other bloggers I know...anyways I am writing this as therapy for me, so well, sorry, no straffe okon, or any juicy things..lol
Work is going on...it's just that the system I have to learn is so large, and everything looks so complicated, and I am a bit scared of not performing well...remembering the reasons my last company didn't renew my contract..but its all good. Xmas is coming and well I don't feel too good about it. I was supposed to see my gf(If I can still call her that) this xmas after 8 months, but well at the last moment, something just messed up the plan...this winter and season that was meant to be joyous for me is just looking dark and dreary and I do not like it one bit. But wetin man go do? I checked out flights and stuff but they are just too damn expensive. I choose to just see it as I gotta work harder to reach my dreams of being a billionaire philanthropist.
Apart from this all, well my relationship seems to be ...rocky.... there was this disagreement which sorta pushed me to breaking point... and it looked like there was no light at the end of the tunnel..I blogged about it sometime back but well I took it down cus it was like my friend said.."looking very much like something"...so I am just going to just chill out.
You know, I am someone who has always battled, always fought to get to where he is today. To top this off, some kin spiritual yawa began to try getting me down...just imagine some thing whispering obscenities into your mind about people you love n shit..but mehn, I didn't reach where I am by being weak, I have fought, and kept on fighting...to just get every part of my life in order.
At times I wonder if the devils and people from my village had a special meeting about me. Maybe they saw my future (Which my former pastor said was impossible), and decided I was just too hot to handle, and so they should gimme special attention...lol
As a guy, society expects a lot from us, and a lot of things have been written about maturity and what it entails, but I found out that we are always growing...there's no point where one can say hes "arrived", and knows it all. As guys we are thought that we are just meant to be hard and bottle shit up inside, and even from our chicks...but well, I guess wisdom is needed to handle all this, and you do not want to offload the devils poison on people, and also, cm on u need to be vulnerable with someone. It's hard being a dude, and expected to be superman and solve everyone's problems and then... see, this is why some guys actually cheat. They have a girlfriend or wife they display this macho side to, and they got someone they go lay their heads on their laps...check out Samson, the strongest dude in the Bible. The guy must have been freaking lonely men, solving everyone's problems, kicking philistine butt...and he just needed someone to accept him for who he is, and that lead him to Delilah..and we all know how that story ended.
Sometimes guys have someone they have to just show male dominance too...i.e sex, etc, and they get their emotional support from someone else...which is why you see some issues in marriages...Some men cannot just reconcile the 2.
So girls and wives...you now have a valuable key in your hand to understand your men. Use it wisely, and send your appreciation to my swiss bank account..lol

I solved that problem or God solved that for me by providing a temporary solution. I had a female friend that I wasn't attracted to (She was thin, thin as a rake :-), L ure my friend oo..lol), and she was older (Not an excuse but the combination was ewww...), and I could talk to her about anything, about my nightmares, and stuff, and not be judged, I felt free to speak to her, cus I didn't send her like a girlfriend. If she went off and said hey..."Dude ure a freaking nutcase"..I wouldn't have cared, because she wasn't my chick...but I felt terrible talking about those things to girls I was actually dating....that's because I was scared man...scared they'd run...scared of showing them my fears, insecurities, etc...insecurities don't fly ...not in naija, not in our world..even guys with insecurities pull others down to make themselves feel good...Don't believe me? Well its true. Everyone's wearing a mask and hurting inside..only God can heal us.
L...thanks for your help God bless you loads, though he already has.

My current or (I don't know the state of) girlfriend was the only gf I had whom I could let inside completely, but men, it got to a time I had to prevent my battles from affecting her.. I always felt that no chick would be able to enter my world because of my issues...spiritual, family, etc...and that's why I restricted myself to flings...yeah I let the devil screw me bad...but well I am out of all this...I cried to God and he helped me. Although at times its hard. My friend once told me she thinks God put me in this position (i.e the wilderness position) because I needed to be in a place alone with just God and myself dealing with me... and yeah I had the madam...and I thought I found someone that I could give my gift to. I always knew I had the gift of loving..women...or rather one woman...for me when I fall in love its consciously.... I have let off the brakes for some wrong peeps before...but this was different. I wonder why I never ran mad, especially when I was studying for my masters, wonder why I didn't commit suicide like my friend did...but God kept me....all those bible verses I crammed just would come out and I'd just keep battling em...and keep smiling.
Anyways I had to stop depending on L so much, and face this on my own...cus I had to take responsibility for the gf..and turning to others when ure in a relationship seems somehow.. So here I am...

The world can be a bitch my friends. You got demons screaming at you, and ure meant to just smile at people...lets try and reach out to one another, you might just save a life.
I wrote this as therapy for me. I do not have any issues with blogging about my issues or fears online, cus well who knows who it might help? There's different sides to me. There's straffe okon :-), and there's so many parts. We all have issues....so someone who's reading this should just be encouraged. No matter how much you feel you are screwed up inside, trust me, someones going through the same. But I am here and still alive, still sane, (I didn't end up in a mental hospital...or dead), I managed to graduate from my masters, get a job...

As I am typing this I still got issues. Jobless demons still trying to mess my mind up, telling me I think this and that....relationship issues...devil telling me "Hey, you are gonna be alone" telling me my insecurities won't go, and that one of the major blocks in my relationship won't be removed.... and maybe I might end up lost in Europe, and I will never be the man I was meant to be...or maybe someone better than myself will always get my chick or future chick. I am also trying to sort out this family issue of mine...cus even though I am on my own and stuff....this whole family-dictate-your-life thing has gone on too far enough. I have a harder time breaking free cus all my older siblings are used to this, and they use the "Honor your mum and dad" verse for it all...imagine what that would do to the self esteem of a soji man like myself in the 21st century..yup...emasculation.
My relationship seems like something you just put plaster on, treat the wound, another one comes up again...thing is the love is so strong, I never experienced something like this b4...which is why it got me that we might not see this xmas...but men, I wonder...I have asked God....whats the way 4ward? People say "love is not enough"...but where did we get that idea from? Love made God send his son to die for us.... Love is...everything....read the bible...first Corinthians...
Loving a chick can be hard hard work...especially the way God wants u to.

Yup! I got issues....but you know what? Jah dey... God dey. I look at my "achievements" for my age, and yeah I try small. Still got a long way to go, but I still try sha.
We all have issues, but if I am still here and fighting, then who the hell are you to give up?
Nothing do me men, I am more than a conqueror through Christ who loved me...
If you're from another religion... God is still your strength and he will sort you out... As for me... I am determined to win in this life. Make the cash, get the girl, touch lives, in no particular order.
And you know what?
I will.
Oh yes I will.
See you at the top..hurry up though..I might be so big I might end up taking your spot..lol.
Ciao!

8 comments:

IDK said...

u knw..i rili like this post for some reason... i guess it's cuz its so sincere...u've said it all in here so im jus goin to say keep hangin in there:P

wavemasta said...

IDK...thanks, I will keep hanging in there..I always win anyways...
I put up a new Straffe Okon, and you didn't comment...and u expressly asked for it..lol

IDK said...

aaahnaah..see as u jus called me out:P I'm nt d only perv in here na..lol:P ma binu so gbo..i will go a comment proper now now:P

Afrobabe said...

Hmmm...an emotional nerd...


What I need is straff Okon!!! lemme go find him...

the genius within said...

LOL..you'd find the inner strength from within..besides life's too short to be worried about the supernatural..just live your life the best way you can and involve God in all..goodluck chap

C u at the top soonest

wavemasta said...

Thanks guys!
@Afrobabe...han han, I thought u loved me for me..not for straffe okon...boo hoo! Lmao!

Padosh said...

Wow this is a very deep post very deep indeed Im sorry about ur gf not being able to make it, i dont know wat things are like but i know distance magnifies problems in a rship just be strong and persevere.

wavemasta said...

@Padosh thanks...would take your advice.