All of you who know me very well know that I have been diagnosed with the deadly disease called LEPACITIS. Its a rare disease common in males. It means that I am not attracted to skinny (lepa) girls at all. When I see them , especially the very very thin ones, I shudder. I wonder how I can lie in bed next to one and touch one, without being scared I'm gonna break her in half.
To promote lepacitis, I created this talk show scenario, where I'm being interviewed by a popular talk show host, and if you study the name, you might guess who she is.
So this is to all my big beautiful sisters out there, who might have been made to feel like freaks , and called names because of the way they look like, or because of their (ehem) "structures"...I love you all.....pity I cant marry you all, cus I dont wanna die early, and I dont support polygamy, but here goes..
WELCOME TO THE KYRA WANKS SHOW
kyra: So tonight everyone on this segment, we have.."Men who like their ladies big!!!" And our major guest is wavemasta!!
wavemasta: thanks kyra, its an honor bein on your show.
kyra: so wavemasta what do you do?
wavemasta: Well Im a programmer, and all round nerd, fine boi, rich kid etc. Check out my geeky glasses.
kyra: So wavemasta, tell us, how long have you being, er.....exceptional?
wavemasta: you mean how long I've loved big juicy women?
wavemasta: well it all started in secondary school , where I noticed I loved those big ghanian women who sold stuff.....then I noticed I sorta used to blank out thin women, I didnt understand it, but I now know why.
kyra: So wait, you mean u discovered yourself, at a young age
wavemasta: yeah, and when I was doing my A-levels in england, I discovered and accepted it. I felt it was so cool.
kyra: So youve never being with a skinny woman before?
wavemasta: no kyra, cmon, skinny chicks cant take my action. I dont want to be arrested for murder. Look when Im thinking and writing Java code, It activates my joistick, and makes me very very horny. Only a big woman can handle me in my "unleashed" state. I see thin women and I'm like..help.
kyra: So what about societies standards on beauty?
wavemasta: Look thats bullshit Miss wanks, seriously. The African concept of beauty is a full figured woman, big in everything, intelligence, size, etc. This concept of beauty being linked to being thin is just a western lie. I remember reading about some colonialists who brought a woman from the bushmen tribe in south africa to europe. She was full figured unlike those stiff european prissy ladies then. They put her in a cage where they would admire her like an animal in a zoo, and she died.
kyra: So do your parents know about your......."preferences"?
wavemasta: Nope. One day my mum was telling me how she'd like an ebony, slim, tall woman for me. Im not sure but I think I remember rejecting it in Jesus Name.
kyra: You called Jesus? Was it that serious?
wavemasta: Kyra, it was as if she was laying a curse on me. Ok check out this scenario, early in the morning, you're just getting up, and your wife walks to the bathroom with nothing on. With a full figured woman, I get to sit up and admire the work of God. If its a thin woman I think I'm just gonna puke.
(at this point, the audience is laughing hysterically)
wavemasta: In fact , I think if God asked me to choose between hell, and marriage to a lepa chick, I'd ask him to lemme take a tour of hell first.You know a brothers gotta check out his options.
(audience is laughing)
wavemasta: when I came back to Lagos, Nigeria for my undergraduate studies, my fellow coursemates used to call me "robosky", cus they observed I only date big (robolicious) women.
kyra: Wow wavemasta, its nice to see a fine, sexy brother like you, loving the large ladies.
wavemasta: I gotta say something....yeah I love em big, but please you also gotta watch your health. Theres a level you get to (being obese), where its bad for your health, and you could get diabetes, and all those bad things. Then you need to go to the gym and work out. But that dosent mean you become an anorexic.
I love ladies who are built like that naturally, and who arent like endangering their health and all.
kyra: So wavemasta, youve never being with a skinny chick before?
wavemasta: No kyra, never. I see them and my body refuses to work. Even when I try inserting tiger batteries inside the joystick, it refuses to rise. But If my sensors detect a woman with the structures, weighing over 70kg, the thing automatically activates itself. Its a miracle, and Im going to use this for my Phd research.
kyra: So I hear that you have been gathering converts, to support your love for big women.
wavemasta: yeah kyra, I have this friend, we were together in school , and I taught him all my secrets, and yes he has made me proud. Only that he backslid from the cause, and is dating a skinny skinny girl. His excuse was that he didnt want to be with a big chick and think of (you know) all the time. Im not bothered, sooner or later, his true nature will win.
kyra: But wavemasta, that means you might like married women, cus most of them are big, and neglected by their husbands.
wavemasta: Kyra, its funny you should say this. Because someone told me the same thing during my NYSC. But see I don't do married women. Its wrong. I'm even on a vow of celibacy, till I get married.
audience (awwwww hes so sweet)
kyra: You got any funny experiences you'd like to share with us?
wavemasta: yeah during my NYSC, we lived in a duplex, in a compound and the compound had a gate. It got to the extent that the female corpers could predict which girl came to see us based on their appearance, when they came in through the gate. If the girl was average, then they would call any of the others. If she was big (and I mean big) then they would call me. A girl came looking for me, and my next door neigbour called me,to attend to her, even before the girl said she was looking for me. One of the first things the girl asked was how my neighbour knew she was looking for me. I diplomatically avoided answering her question.
(By this time, someone in the audience has fainted from laffing too much)
kyra: Have you been questioned on why ure this way?
wavemasta: yeah people see me with a big mamacita, and ask me if Im strong enough to carry the load. I reply by showing them my muscles. I do sit ups, press ups, and all at the gym, and I lift weights. If my strenght fails, which It wont, theres always energy 2000, or Alhaji Kolaq's herbs (wink wink).
I remember trying to psyche a lepa chick who was a friend of mine, that I could change, and she replied in yoruba "abinibi yato si ability" ( meaning that who you are, and whats inside you, is more powerful than you trying to be someone else.)
kyra: So wavemasta, any last words of advice to the big beautiful women out there?
wavemasta: yeah, to all the lepa ladies, please stop starving yourselves, if u wanna eat that extra helping of chocolate, please please do so. Stop starving yourselves by being anorexic and throwing up last nights dinner.
To all my big honies, dont worry abeg. Most people who see what ure packing are too intimidated by the luggage. They know they aint got the guts to carry it, and so they like to victimize. Next time anyone calls you names, know that hes afraid, he wants you but cant carry the load. And thats why you shouldnt take them seriously, and you should disqualify them. Wait for people like me, the big daddies who can carry the elders load (eru agba).
Don't allow society to set standards for you. Live your life, and love yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself youre beautiful, and God made you well.
kyra: Thanks wavemasta.We loved having you on the kyra wanks show. If anyones interested in meeting wavemasta, drop him a comment on his blog. Now up next on the kyra wanks show after the break "Oh my gosh, My dog is gay!!"