Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Father...help me....

I am writing this at home started 3.45 in the morning, and I am sad..sad to the extent that tears are actually present...flowing....

Its a bit crazy so lemme start. I dated someone (yeah its a woman), I felt I was going to get married to. I invested my life, body and heart, and even though I had my own flaws...I still tried to make it work. It was so bad, the fights would leave my right arm weak. After the end of July, I walked away. That was a 3 year relationship.
It was something I had to hold on to, because over here, in this strange land, I was all by myself. Everyone carrying their own cross. I tried working on myself, to be the rock, to be superman, but I guess every superman's got their kryptonite.

I ran into some other issues here. Tough ones. But I had my best buddy here, but he had to go back to naija. So I was left by myself. Then I met D. D, was from the Islands..and she was someone I could talk to. I remember being here all by myself on a sunday, and she was around, and I made her some Eba...she liked it.
We rolled together for a bit, and she's a nice person, but it wasn't gelling. I didn't think it would be right to take advantage of her, so I stopped. But still remained friends and civil with her. After all, I did step up to her, right?

All this was in the wake of looking for a new crib, and not yet seeing any dividends from my biz...though I will persist till I succeed. I found out that the government here chains all migrants to their day jobs. So doing anything extra to fetch cash, like starting your own biz, writing your own books, is seen as illegal. So I knew it was time to bail. I also had one other major issue which I wont discuss here, but was equally as challenging. I was bankrupt, barely surviving. I made a lot of bad financial decisions this year. I take responsibility. I do not blame anyone.

I was strong, took it in good faith.
Then I met R.

R was.... wonderful. We had attended the same university in naija, and I used to admire her from a distance. Then, I was a geek, and just focusing on making a first class. I had a WILD streak inside me, but I buried it, cus university was my last chance to make something of myself.
I met R, 2 months ago via facebook. Gosh, she was what I wanted in a woman, funny, down to earth, committed to raising a home, and she respected my wisdom and wanted me to mentor her..
During my times here, she became my companion. I tried not to rush things, but something became obvious, like I was repeating the pattern of my 3 year relationship..

R was wonderful. I didnt think of her as a rebound. I couldn't wait to hear her voice. Then...we found out we had different religions....first red flag, I guess....but I didn't care...I'd been down that road before...

Then I sorta found out some ish I didnt really really like, about her. And I tried to show love, and compassion, and not to fall apart like I did back then in my 3 year relationship...
But it didn't happen, and she suggested, we let go...we tried fasting about it...
But it just blew up this night...
And well, I decided to let go....
I lay in bed, and thought of if I gave this as a speech, and I began crying. Yeah, strong me. The pillar of inspiration...began shedding tears.
I didn't shed any tears when my 3 year relationship ended...
But I shed tears for R...

Because I seem to have repeated the same pattern, almost down to everything, that I had in my former real relationship...
Religion, seeing stuff I didn't like....leaving...
And I cant go through the mental torture again...

I am tired of being along, tired of living in this strange land by myself, tired of coming home to an empty house..

I know this is part of the walk towards my destiny, but like Jesus, I want this cup taken away from me.

I find someone I like...gosh, I loved R...
But shes gone, and I think I gotta let go..

I wish God wud hear me and show me who I am meant to marry for Gods sake...am tired of seeing everyone around me get hitched. My best buddy went back to naija because of this..

I fucking miss R. And I am asking myself, why this same cycle had to repeat itself again.

The only thing is it took 3 months instead of 3 years...

And even though I want to feel down, the warrior in me wont let me do so...

Shit!

Father help me, I can't sleep.

R... I am sorry, if you ever read this. Maybe I am writing this to....I dunno...
But I think these tears are real.
And blogging gives me therapy, I think.

Sorry R, that I couldn't handle it....I wish you the best...
Tried not to judge but I guess it all blew up...

There are many fishes in the sea, but theres only one R.
I feel relieved, I feel sad, I wish u were in my arms.

If you are reading this, and you leave a foolish comment...God help you.
Even men grieve. Let me be.
But if you have something encouraging to say, fine.

I am going back to my life, and to walk the road towards my greatness...
Father help me....I am alone.

3 comments:

AJ said...

Sorry.
No textbook reply to your pain, so here's an e-hug instead.

wavemasta said...

Thanks AJ...whoever you are.

SonofPhilip said...

sorry about the situations. if you would dig deep within urself, i am sure you have the strength you need to go thru this.

take care